Jokes - to make you laugh

Husband Vs Wife

2010-03-06T11:18:00.001+08:00

A good and civil way to have a fight instead of physically....

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart
Attack.
HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you
Hu

Human behaviours in material centered world

2010-01-25T14:18:00.000+08:00

人啊！
Man, O Man!

沒錢的時候，養豬；
有錢的時候，養狗。
When without money, keep pigs;
When have money, keep dogs.

沒錢的時候，在家裡吃野菜；
有錢的時候，在酒店吃野菜。
When without money, eat at home with wife;
When have money, dine in fine restaurant.

沒錢的時候，在馬路上騎自行車；

有錢的時候，在客廳裡騎自行車。
When without money, ride bicycle;
When have money, ride exercise machine.

沒錢的時候,想結婚；
有錢的時候,想離婚。
When without money, wish to get married;
When have money, wish to get divorced.

沒錢的時候,老婆兼秘書；
有錢的時候,秘書兼老婆。
When without money, wife becomes secretary;
When have money, secretary becomes wife.

沒錢的時候,假裝有錢；
有錢的時候,假裝沒錢。
When without money, act like rich man;
When with money, act like poor man.

人啊，都不講實話：
Man, O Man, never tells the truth:

說股票是毒品，都在玩；
說金錢是罪惡，都在撈；
Says sharemarket is bad but keeps speculating;
Says money is evil but keeps accumulating.

說美女是禍水，都想要；
說高處不勝寒，都在爬；
Says women are trouble-makers but keeps desiring them;
Says high positions are lonely but keeps wanting them.

說煙酒傷身體，就不戒；
說天堂最美好，都不去!!!
Says smoking & drinking is bad but keeps partaking;
Says heaven is good but refused to go.

過去把第一次留給丈夫；
現在把第一胎留給丈夫。
In the past, woman gives man their virginity;
Now, woman gives man their newborn.

鄉下早晨雞叫人，
城裡晚上人叫雞；
In the rural area, chicken calls man awake;
In the cities, man calls for chickens.

舊社會戲子賣藝不賣身，
新社會演員賣身不賣藝。
In the past, famous actresses will not sell their bodies;
Now, actresses will sell their bodies to get famous

人生是什麼?
What is life about?
1 歲時出場亮相
At one, YOU are the top priority
10 歲時功課至上
At ten, academic excellence is the top priority
20 歲時春心盪漾
At twenty, getting laid is the top priority
30 歲時職場對抗
At thirty, a good career is top priority
40 歲時身材發胖
At forty, keeping your body in shape is top priority
50 歲時打打麻將
At fifty, beating others at mahjong is top priority
60 歲時老當益壯
At sixty, keeping IT up is top priority
70 歲時常常健忘
At seventy, remembering something is top priority
80 歲時搖搖晃晃
At eighty, moving around is top priority
90 歲時迷失方向
At ninety, knowing directions is top priority
100 歲時掛在牆上
At 100, having your portrait on the wall is top priority!

祝大家愉快，好好做人!
Wishing you all happiness! Be good!

See! See! See! - Ha ha ha !

2009-11-24T10:01:00.000+08:00

An elderly couple went to watch a contest for the strongest bull. After the contest they went to the 3rd prize bull's owner, wanting to know what his secret was.

The woman asked; "How do you make your bull so strong?"

The owner said; "You have to make sure the bull makes love once a week."
The woman turned to her husband and said;"See!"

The old man was displeased but said nothing.

They then went to the 2nd prize bull's owner and the old woman asked the same question, to which the owner replied; "You must make sure your bull makes love 2 or 3 times a week."

Again the woman turned to her husband and said; "See! See!"

The old man was annoyed but remained silent.

They then went to the 1st prize bull's owner and again the old woman asked the same question. The reply was; "You must make sure your bull makes love at least once every day." The woman turned to her husband and said;"See! See! See!"

This time the old man got angry and asked the owner; "But does your bull always make love to the same cow?"

The owner replied; "No, no. Many many cows."

The old man quickly turned to the old woman and said; "See! See! See! See!"

笑一笑。。。

2009-10-15T10:21:00.000+08:00

1. 到了中国，才知道只生一个孩子好。
2. 到了台湾，才知道骂祖宗还可以面带微笑。
3. 到了香港，才知道明星都戴著口罩。
4. 到了日本，才知道死不认账的人有時候还会很有礼貌。
5. 到了韩国，才知道亚洲足球使上帝都差点疯掉。
6. 到了泰国，才知道看見漂亮妹妹先別慌著拥抱。
7. 到了新加坡，才知道为什么四面都是水，还向別人要。
8. 到了印度，才知道多貴重的人都得给牛让道。
9. 到了印尼，才知道为什么华人夜里睡不著觉。
10. 到了阿拉伯，才知道做男人是多么的骄傲。
11. 到了法国，才知道被人调戏还会很有情调。
12. 到了西班牙，才知道被牛拱到天上还可以哈哈大笑。
13. 到了南斯拉夫，才知道为什么有人不愿回到祖国的怀抱。
14. 到了奧地利，才知道是个乞丐都能弹上一支小调。
15. 到了瑞士，才知道开个银行帐戶沒有十万会被人恥笑。
16. 到了丹麥，才知道写个童话其实可以不打草稿。
17. 到了意大利，才知道天天吃比萨面上都可以不長脓包。
18. 到了希腊，才知道迷人的地方其实都是破庙。
19. 到了梵蒂岡，才知道在其境內任何地方开枪都可以打著罗马的鸟。
20. 到了美国，才知道不管是谁，乱囔嚷都会中炮。
21. 到了加拿大，才知道面积比中国还大的地方，人比北京还少。
22. 到了巴拿马，才知道一条河也代表了主权的重要。
23. 到了巴西，才知道衣服穿得很少也用不著害臊。
24. 到了智利，才知道火车在境內拐个弯也很难办到。
25. 到了阿根廷，才知道不懂足球会让人晕倒。
26. 到了南非，才知道随時会被爱滋吻到。
27. 到了撒哈拉，才知道节约用水的重要。
28. 走遍非洲，才知道人吃人有时候也是一种需要。

extra

到了马来西亚，才知道牵手也会接传票！

The Loving Couple

2009-09-10T11:13:00.000+08:00

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down,
another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to
him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the
year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to
come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't
been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find
someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

Joke?

2009-09-04T16:57:00.000+08:00

A very successful Singaporean lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came along too close to the car and completely
tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a policeman was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche; it was completely ruined.

His lights flashing, but before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be
same no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again. After the lawyer finally calmed down from his rant, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. 'I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,' he said. 'You're so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life'

'How can you say such a thing?' asked the lawyer.

The officer replied, 'Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got
ripped off when the truck hit you!'

'OH, MY GOD!' screamed the lawyer. "MY ROLEX !!! "

This is not a joke but cool joke!

2009-08-13T11:23:00.001+08:00

做人好可怜，做鬼好风流！

我们一出世，就被教导做个好孩子
拼命的读书，好了读完书了。大学也毕业了。
拼命的做工，赚多多的钱。。。
拼命的存钱，买房子，车子，保险
不小心找到了老婆，
好了，结婚了，钱也用完了

再拼命的做工，好了30岁了，开始瓶颈。。。
再拼命的读PARTTIME，好了，学位高了。。。
拼命的抚育孩子，好了，孩子读书了。。。
拼命的灌输孩子要努力读书。。
自己拼命的做工。。。学位高了，压力也高了。。。

回到家，妻子照顾孩子，不得空理你。。
孩子忙着读书，不得空理你。。
月头，样样都是钱。
孩子和你拿钱。
妻子和你拿钱
房子和你拿钱
保险和你拿钱
车子和你拿钱
过年了，更加多钱

除了以上，
母亲和你拿钱
红包和你拿钱
旅行和你拿钱
NIKE，LEVIS，PRADA ，GUCCI，REEBOK ，PADINI。。。
和你拿钱
海外天也可能和你拿钱

40岁，男人危机。。。
拼命的工作，保住职位。。。
成了大家眼中的势利同事。。。
开始害怕失去工作，开始留意年轻同事。。。

想读书，钱，没有了，想换工，薪金高，岁数大，难讨新工
想尽办法，还是不能爬上经理职位，还被一个年轻人上了位。。
孩子开始读中学了，和你拿更多的钱。
父亲节，拿你给的钱，买了你没有用的东西。。。。
房子! 还是和你要钱
车子旧了，开始不听话了。。。

还是要给钱! 妻子也是一样和你拿钱，旦绝对没有收条给你看。夫妻要信任
好不容易熬过50了，要退休了，无风无浪。。。
虽然压力大，新上司意见多多，不要紧。我顶！

就要拿公积金咯！但是孩子要出国读书-- <>
好了，公积金拿完出来了，一大半给了孩子，剩下的给了妻子
还是回到零。。。退休了，不用做？？？不能
几十年没有呆在家，忽然和妻子相处。。。

妻子看不顺眼丈夫无所事事，命令丈夫开始学做家事！
扫地，抹地，剪草，洗车，样样都要做。。。
好了，房子供完了。。。车子也没有什么驾了。。。
开始觉得人生很无奈，自己从一个提款机，最后变成了一个佣人。

孩子出国回来了，拍了一些照片。。。开始找工了。。。
毕业=失业，工难找! ，最后找到一份只可以养活自己的工作。

还是要住在家里。。。吃，交通。去的薪金的一大半。。
所以只是意思意思的给 RM100给父母做伙食费。。

3年过去了，孩子好不容易累计的工作经验，薪金高了。。。
但是却开始要买辆汽车代步。。。母亲帮助 + 自己储蓄，给了头期。。。
有了汽车，费用也多了。。还是意思意思给 RM200作伙食费
好不容易的工作开始稳定了，但是却认识了一个女朋友。。。

开始了人生计划。。。要买房子了。。。
由于车子+ 女朋友费用太大，还是不能给伙食费太多，
而且女朋友说 3? ?计划，全部钱要储蓄。。。
2 年后，终于买了房子，买了房子，开始要结婚了。。。

我终于有用途了，被叫去提亲。。什么都不可以多说，全部老婆讲。

自己讲些客套话就行了。。。
摆酒，婚礼，旅行。。。用了一大笔+ 母亲储蓄+我剩下的公积金
我还是回归零，。。。继续的剪草，扫地，做家务。。。
结婚了后，孩子很少会来了，忙着自己的家庭。。。
偶尔假日才回来看看父母。。。每个月意思意思的给 RM200 。
孩子自己也困难了。要维持自己的家庭

好了，30 年前的计划希望能够开始，旅行！！

大事不妙，媳妇怀孕了，生了个孩子。。。
母亲代抚养，因为媳妇孩子都做工
本来平静的退休生活又再次起了涟漪。。。
每天就要照顾孙子，晚上他哭我就跟着醒，
开始学习新的技术，喂奶，包尿片，唱歌，拍手掌。。。

孩子每个月意思意思的给多RM300 ，当着是孙子的伙食费。。。
照顾了5 年后，孙子大了，孩子抱回去了，一切回归平静。

忽然想起 30 年前的约定，决定和妻子去旅行。。。。

还是去不成了，妻子年级大了，病痛也多了。。。
自己的腰骨也常闹别扭。。。医生说要多休息。。。
惟有呆在家里看电视。。。。

一天早上，妻子看见为什么老头没有起来扫地。。。
想去房里骂我，但我已经回到天国去了。。。

孩子为我做了后事。。。
最后我成了一张照片。

人生就是如此讽刺。。。呵呵

所以我说，朋友啊，
趁年轻还没什么家庭负担的时候
就要把握机会出国旅游
不要每次那句：＂以后再说吧＂
以后也不懂还有没有机会了

人生看起来似乎很无奈
但我并不觉得如此
心态很重要
一个很富有的人买了一栋大洋房
但他生活得很不开心
因为他一直想要买更大间的洋房
一个小康之家的人买了一间单层排屋
但他一直生活得很开心
觉得自己很幸福
一家大小有个栖身之处
大家都相处得和蔼乐融融的

人生短暂
知足常乐才算不枉此生啊
朋友
珍惜身边的人事物

Old men think fast!!

2009-07-14T17:11:00.001+08:00

Old men may walk slow BUT think F A S T

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.

The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there. In the shade of the fruit trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'

Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

Do You Believe This???

2009-07-02T11:11:00.002+08:00

Ok, this is not a joke. I found this email very worth to share with, that's why I posted here.

Read it, if you believe HIM.

******************************************************8

A girl went to her friends house and she ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone.

She wasn't afraid because it was a small COMMUNITY and she lived only a few blocks away..As she walked along under the bike trail Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger.When she reached the alley, which was a shortcut to her house, she decided to take it.

However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he was waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her.

When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely. The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story.

The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a line-up to
see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she
had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified,
he immediately broke down and confessed. The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her.

When the policeman asked him, he answered, 'Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her. Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're not alone. People will not stand up for God..

Send this if you truly believe in God....

PS: God is always there in your heart and loves you no matter what

LOL

2009-06-16T15:23:00.000+08:00

A doctor asked a patient: "If I were to cut one of your ears off,
what will happen to you?"

Patient: "Then I will not be able to hear..."

Doctor: "Hmm…that's normal...so if I were to cut your other ear
off, what will happen then?"

Patient: "I will not be able to see..."

The doctor became nervous and asked: "Why would you not see then???"
Patient: "Because my spectacles will fall off..."

Cut & Paste

2009-05-20T11:31:00.000+08:00

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.

He said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife !"

The audience was in silence and shock.

The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"

Laughter and applause......

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home.

He was a bit foggy after a drink.

He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife !"

The wife went "ah!" with shock and rage.

Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out " ... and I can't remember who she was !"

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.

Moral of the story : Don't copy if you can't paste!!! :P

Jokes

2009-05-06T16:46:00.000+08:00

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: 16 Mar 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we
are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to see you TOMORROW!

Chinese Joke

2009-04-30T12:29:00.000+08:00

有一美女下夜班,被一好色男子尾随跟踪,美女很害怕,正好路过一片坟地, 好色男子正要下手, 美女走到一座坟墓前说:"爸爸,开门吧,我回来了"。吓的好色男子狂奔而去。

美女为自己的聪明得意地笑了起来，哪知笑声未落，从坟墓里传出一个阴森森的声音说："闺女，你咋又忘记带钥匙了呢？"吓得美女尖叫著跑了。这时，一个盗墓者从坟墓里爬了出来，说："影响我工作，吓死你"。突然发现墓碑前有一老者，手拿凿子在刻墓碑，就好奇地问："你在干吗"？老者生气地说："这些不肖子孙把我的墓碑都刻错了，只好自己来改啦"。盗墓者一听，吓得撒腿就跑了。看著盗墓者的背影，老者冷笑道："跟老子抢生意，吓死你"。一不小心，凿子掉地上了，老者正要弯腰去拾，却看见从草丛中伸出一只手，同时还有个冷冰冰声音：" 啊，敢乱改我家的门牌号"。吓得老者连滚带爬地跑了。一个拾荒者从草丛中爬出来，捡起地上的凿子，感叹道："这年头，捡块烂铁还得费这么大神。

祝天天快乐 ! 如果你笑了！让更多人分享这份快乐！

Be specific

2009-04-16T09:17:00.001+08:00

OFFICE MEMO:

All members of staff - please note that due to recession, there will only be one drink per person at this year's Annual Party.

And please bring your own cup!

Regards,
Management

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The specifications were missing ! in the memo (size of cup).

Moral of the story:
Be very specific in your daily life including project work. Give specific specifications.

Kids Islands already 1 year annivesary!

2009-03-26T12:39:00.006+08:00

Hey, only today I realized that my Kids Islands, online homemade clothing store had entered 1 year old already!

Yahoooooooooo......I am so happy and excited now! Did not know that my "baby" is one year old by now.

A big Thank You to all my dear readers and customers, without your strong support, my homemade store will not sustain till now!

How was I born?

2009-03-26T09:49:00.001+08:00

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll down...You'll love this ...
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'You got Male!'

Have a good laugh!

2009-03-12T09:01:00.000+08:00

4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a hospital while
waiting for their wives birth giving.

Then a nurse came out and told to the first daddy,
"congratulation, you got twins!".
"Ohh.. maybe its a coincident" said the daddy. "I am working with
the Petronas Twin Towers ".

Then another nurse came out and told to the second daddy,
"congratulation! you have triplets!"
"Wooow!, this is a coincident too" said the second daddy. ? "I am
working for 3M Corporation"

Another nurse came out and told the third daddy, ?
"Congratulation! Isteri you dapat kembar empat,"
"Alhamdulillah! Maybe this is also a coincident". "I kerja di Four Season Hotel!"

While, the fourth daddy-to-be were in uncontrolled worry.
All the 3 daddies asked him,
why are you seems so worry??"

He answered, "I am working with Seven-Eleven"

Wuahhahahahah.....

Cikgu BM. Only Happens In Malaysia!!!?

2009-03-09T10:18:00.004+08:00

Murid : Selamat pagi, cikgu.
Cikgu : (Menengking) Mengapa selamat pagi sahaja? Petang dan malam awak doakan saya tak selamat?
Murid : Selamat pagi, petang dan malam cikgu!
Cikgu : Panjang sangat! Tak pernah dibuat oleh orang! Kata
selamat sejahtera! Senang dan penuh bermakna. Lagipun ucapan ini meliputi semua masa dan keadaan.
Murid : Selamat sejahtera cikgu!

Cikgu : Sama-sama, duduk! Dengar sini baik-baik. Hari ini cikgu nak uji kamu semua tentang perkataan berlawan. Bila cikgu sebutkan perkataannya, kamu semua mesti menjawab dengan cepat, lawan bagi perkataan-perkataan itu, faham?
Murid : Faham, cikgu!
Cikgu : Saya tak mahu ada apa-apa gangguan.
Murid : (senyap)
Cikgu : Pandai!
Murid : Bodoh!
Cikgu : Tinggi!
Murid : Rendah!
Cikgu : Jauh!
Murid : Dekat!
Cikgu : Keadilan!
Murid : UMNO!
Cikgu : Salah!
Murid : Betul!
Cikgu : Bodoh!
Murid : Pandai!
Cikgu : Bukan!
Murid : Ya!
Cikgu : Oh Tuhan!
Murid : Oh Hamba!
Cikgu : Dengar ini!
Murid : Dengar itu!
Cikgu : Diam!
Murid : Bising!
Cikgu : Itu bukan pertanyaan, bodoh!
Murid : Ini ialah jawapan, pandai!
Cikgu : Mati aku!
Murid : Hidup kami!
Cikgu : Rotan baru tau!
Murid : Akar lama tak tau!
Cikgu : Malas aku ajar kamu!
Murid : Rajin kami belajar cikgu!
Cikgu : Kamu gila!
Murid : Kami siuman!
Cikgu : Cukup! Cukup!
Murid : Kurang! Kurang!
Cikgu : Sudah! Sudah!
Murid : Belum! Belum!
Cikgu : Mengapa kamu semua bodoh sangat?
Murid : Sebab saya seorang pandai!
Cikgu : Oh! Melawan!
Murid : Oh! Mengalah!
Cikgu : Kurang ajar!
Murid : Cukup ajar!
Cikgu : Habis aku!
Murid : Kekal kami!
Cikgu : O.K. Pelajaran sudah habis!
Murid : K.O. Pelajaran belum bermula!
Cikgu : Sudah, bodoh!
Murid : Belum, pandai!
Cikgu : Berdiri!
Murid : Duduk!
Cikgu : Saya kata UMNO salah!
Murid : Kami dengar KeADILan betul!
Cikgu : Bangang kamu ni!
Murid : Cerdik kami tu!
Cikgu : Rosak!
Murid : Baik!
Cikgu : Kamu semua ditahan tengah hari ini!
Murid : Dilepaskan tengah malam itu!
Cikgu : (Senyap dan mengambil buku-bukunya keluar.)

The Black Bra

2009-03-01T02:36:00.000+08:00

The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have

been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to

amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice,

stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to

meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went:

My engaged friend:

The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing

a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.

I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and

I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask

over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he

didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice,

black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my

eyes.. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said…

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

This is Umbrella or what?

2009-02-28T07:38:00.000+08:00

LOL

Chinese joke 1

2009-02-26T11:06:00.000+08:00

A plane leaves the Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese." "No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Pearl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"No rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces.

"Why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic."

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "it was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, Steinberg, no mattah...all same!"

Chinese joke 2

2009-02-21T11:15:00.000+08:00

A lady sees some Chinese characters on a Chinese menu. She likes them, so she goes home and makes a shirt with the symbols on it. Later that day, she bumps into a Chinese person. The person looks at her and says "Do you know what your shirt says?" The lady admits that she doesn't know and asks the man to translate. The man says, "Your shirt says 'cheap but good'."

Wordless Thursday

2008-10-09T10:12:00.001+08:00

The Silent Treatment

2008-09-30T15:11:00.000+08:00

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 A M.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Marriage (Part IV)

2008-09-29T15:10:00.000+08:00

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

Marriage (Part III)

2008-09-28T13:09:00.000+08:00

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,

'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'

She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

Marriage (Part II)

2008-09-26T08:08:00.000+08:00

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

Marriage (Part I)

2008-09-25T15:06:00.000+08:00

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

Ah Beng story

2008-09-19T16:30:00.001+08:00

Ah Beng is a bus driver; one day got this old folks home 'pao' his bus for a day trip to Pulau Ketam. Sitting right behind the driver's seat is Grandma Sue and from his rear mirror Ah Beng can see that Grandma Sue is happily munching away...

In the middle of the road trip, Grandma Sue tapped Ah Beng on his shoulder and asked him...

Grandma: 'Ah Beng ah! You want peanuts boh? Grandma treat you eat peanut ai mai?'

Ah Beng: 'Tenkiu ah ma... yes I want!'

Then Ah Beng also happy happy munching peanuts... about 20 minutes down the road, Grandma Sue asked Ah Beng again...

Grandma: 'Ah Beng ah! You want peanuts boh? Grandma treat you eat peanut ai mai?'

Ah Beng: 'Tenkiu ah ma ... yes I want!'

To make the story short, this goes on for a few more times then Ah Beng finally asks Grandma Sue...

Ah Beng: 'Ah ma ah .! ... you dont eat peanuts one meh?'

Grandma: 'No... no eat! Ah ma boh teeth la!'

Ah Beng: 'Aiks! Boh teeth then why ah ma buy peanuts leh?'

Grandma: 'No choice leh! Just now that 7-Eleven is out of chocolate so ah ma kena buy this peanut chocolate lor! Ah ma lick the chocolate around the peanut and the peanut give you eat lor!'

How true?

2008-09-18T16:20:00.000+08:00

Got this from a forwarded email.....

Well, here is something to link the 5C's to the newer 5B's!

I don't need a CAR, but I want a BMW

I don't need a CONDO, but I want a BUNGALOW

I don't need you to have CASH but I want you to own a BANK

I don't need you to have a CAREER but I want you to be a BOSS

Most of you would have heard of the Singapore 5C's! :

Car, Condo, Credit Card (Gold), Cash and Career

Heard of the 5B's?

B - BMW

B - Body

B - Brain

B - Billionaire

B - Bungalow

And addition with the 5K's.

Kiasu (scared of losing)

Kiasee (scared of dying)

Kiabor (scared of wife)

Kiaboh (scared of having nothing)

Kiachenghu (scared of government)

We've been reading about the 5C's and 5K's for Singaporeans, now comes the 5 numerals and Malaysia's equivalent.

Singaporeans' "practice" for Simple Living:
1 - One Wife
2 - Two Children
3 - Three Bedroom Condo
4 - Four Wheels
5 - Five Figure Salary

Malaysian Malays' "practice" for Simple Living:
5 - Five Children
4 - Four Wives
3 - Three Figure Salary
2 - Two Wheels (Motorcycle)
1 - One-Storey Terrace House

When break up....

2008-09-06T07:21:00.001+08:00

A guy donated blood to his girlfriend. When they broke up, he wanted his blood back.

The girl threw a bloody kotex at him and said,

"I'll pay you in monthly installment."

What's in your mind?

2008-09-05T12:14:00.002+08:00

To make it straight, she pulls it.

To make it stand, she rubs it.

To make it stiff, she licks it.

To put it in, she pushes it.

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It is a hell of a job threading a needle!!!

The Loyal Wife

2008-08-29T17:36:00.000+08:00

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and as a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the
casket with me. I want
to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her
heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket
with him.
Well, he died . . ..
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was
sitting there in black,
and her friend was sitting next to her. When they
finished the ceremony,
just before the undertakers got ready to close the
casket, the wife said,
'Wait, just a minute!'
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and
put it in the
casket..
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they
rolled it away.
Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to
put all that money in
there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I can't go back on my
word. I promised
him that I was going to put that money in that casket
with him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket
with him !!! ?'
'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together,
put it into my
account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he
can spend it.'

Moral of the story: *Women are cleverer than
Men*......

Revenge is sweet

2008-08-28T15:52:00.000+08:00

Ya, I am super free lately. Surf internet till I almost fall asleep I tell you. I don't like to play online games, so what shall I do now?

Go dig funny jokes from net lar.....here is the good one!

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There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

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You can check out more jokes here.