Saturday, March 6, 2010

Husband Vs Wife

A good and civil way to have a fight instead of physically....


WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart
Attack.
HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you
Hu

Monday, January 25, 2010

Human behaviours in material centered world

人 啊!
Man, O Man!

沒錢的時候,養豬;
有錢的時候,養狗。
When without money, keep pigs;
When have money, keep dogs.

沒錢的時候,在家裡吃野菜;
有錢的時候,在酒店吃野菜。
When without money, eat at home with wife;
When have money, dine in fine restaurant.

沒錢的時候,在馬路上騎自行車;







有錢的時候,在客廳裡騎自行車。
When without money, ride bicycle;
When have money, ride exercise machine.

沒錢的時候,想結婚;
有錢的時候,想離婚。
When without money, wish to get married;
When have money, wish to get divorced.

沒錢的時候,老婆兼秘書;
有錢的時候,秘書兼老婆。
When without money, wife becomes secretary;
When have money, secretary becomes wife.

沒錢的時候,假裝有錢;
有錢的時候,假裝沒錢。
When without money, act like rich man;
When with money, act like poor man.

人 啊,都不講實話:
Man, O Man, never tells the truth:

說股票是毒品,都在玩;
說金錢是罪惡,都在撈;
Says sharemarket is bad but keeps speculating;
Says money is evil but keeps accumulating.

說美女是禍水,都想要;
說高處不勝寒,都在爬;
Says women are trouble-makers but keeps desiring them;
Says high positions are lonely but keeps wanting them.

說煙酒傷身體,就不戒;
說天堂最美好,都不去!!!
Says smoking & drinking is bad but keeps partaking;
Says heaven is good but refused to go.

過去把第一次留給丈夫;
現在把第一胎留給丈夫。
In the past, woman gives man their virginity;
Now, woman gives man their newborn.

鄉下早晨雞叫人,
城裡晚上人叫雞;
In the rural area, chicken calls man awake;
In the cities, man calls for chickens.

舊社會戲子賣藝不賣身,
新社會演員賣身不賣藝。
In the past, famous actresses will not sell their bodies;
Now, actresses will sell their bodies to get famous


人生是什麼?
What is life about?
1 歲時出場亮相
At one, YOU are the top priority
10 歲時功課至上
At ten, academic excellence is the top priority
20 歲時春心盪漾
At twenty, getting laid is the top priority
30 歲時職場對抗
At thirty, a good career is top priority
40 歲時身材發胖
At forty, keeping your body in shape is top priority
50 歲時打打麻將
At fifty, beating others at mahjong is top priority
60 歲時老當益壯
At sixty, keeping IT up is top priority
70 歲 時 常常 健忘
At seventy, remembering something is top priority
80 歲時搖搖晃晃
At eighty, moving around is top priority
90 歲時迷失方向
At ninety, knowing directions is top priority
100 歲時掛在牆上
At 100, having your portrait on the wall is top priority!

祝大家愉快,好好做人!
Wishing you all happiness! Be good!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

See! See! See! - Ha ha ha !

An elderly couple went to watch a contest for the strongest bull. After the contest they went to the 3rd prize bull's owner, wanting to know what his secret was.

The woman asked; "How do you make your bull so strong?"

The owner said; "You have to make sure the bull makes love once a week."
The woman turned to her husband and said;"See!"

The old man was displeased but said nothing.

They then went to the 2nd prize bull's owner and the old woman asked the same question, to which the owner replied; "You must make sure your bull makes love 2 or 3 times a week."

Again the woman turned to her husband and said; "See! See!"

The old man was annoyed but remained silent.

They then went to the 1st prize bull's owner and again the old woman asked the same question. The reply was; "You must make sure your bull makes love at least once every day." The woman turned to her husband and said;"See! See! See!"

This time the old man got angry and asked the owner; "But does your bull always make love to the same cow?"

The owner replied; "No, no. Many many cows."

The old man quickly turned to the old woman and said; "See! See! See! See!"

Thursday, October 15, 2009

笑一笑。。。

1. 到了中国,才知道只生一个孩子好。
2. 到了台湾,才知道骂祖宗还可以面带微笑。
3. 到了香港,才知道明星都戴著口罩。
4. 到了日本,才知道死不认账的人有時候还会很有礼貌。
5. 到了韩国,才知道亚洲足球使上帝都差点疯掉。
6. 到了泰国,才知道看見漂亮妹妹先別慌著拥抱。
7. 到了新加坡,才知道为什么四面都是水,还向別人要。
8. 到了印度,才知道多貴重的人都得给牛让道。
9. 到了印尼,才知道为什么华人夜里睡不著觉。
10. 到了阿拉伯,才知道做男人是多么的骄傲。
11. 到了法国,才知道被人调戏还会很有情调。
12. 到了西班牙,才知道被牛拱到天上还可以哈哈大笑。
13. 到了南斯拉夫,才知道为什么有人不愿回到祖国的怀抱。
14. 到了奧地利,才知道是个乞丐都能弹上一支小调。
15. 到了瑞士,才知道开个银行帐戶沒有十万会被人恥笑。
16. 到了丹麥,才知道写个童话其实可以不打草稿。
17. 到了意大利,才知道天天吃比萨面上都可以不長脓包。
18. 到了希腊,才知道迷人的地方其实都是破庙。
19. 到了梵蒂岡,才知道在其境內任何地方开枪都可以打著罗马的鸟。
20. 到了美国,才知道不管是谁,乱囔嚷都会中炮。
21. 到了加拿大,才知道面积比中国还大的地方,人比北京还少。
22. 到了巴拿马,才知道一条河也代表了主权的重要。
23. 到了巴西,才知道衣服穿得很少也用不著害臊。
24. 到了智利,才知道火车在境內拐个弯也很难办到。
25. 到了阿根廷,才知道不懂足球会让人晕倒。
26. 到了南非,才知道随時会被爱滋吻到。
27. 到了撒哈拉,才知道节约用水的重要。
28. 走遍非洲,才知道人吃人有时候也是一种需要。

extra

到了马来西亚,才知道牵手也会接传票!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The Loving Couple

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down,
another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to
him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the
year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to
come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't
been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find
someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

Friday, September 4, 2009

Joke?

A very successful Singaporean lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came along too close to the car and completely
tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a policeman was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche; it was completely ruined.

His lights flashing, but before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be
same no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again. After the lawyer finally calmed down from his rant, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. 'I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,' he said. 'You're so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life'

'How can you say such a thing?' asked the lawyer.

The officer replied, 'Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got
ripped off when the truck hit you!'

'OH, MY GOD!' screamed the lawyer. "MY ROLEX !!! "

Thursday, August 13, 2009

This is not a joke but cool joke!

做人好可怜, 做鬼好风流!

我们一出世,就被教导做个好孩子
拼命的读书,好了读完书了。大学也毕业 了。
拼命的做工,赚 多多的钱。。。
拼命的存钱 ,买房子,车子,保险
不小心找到了老婆,
好了,结婚了,钱也用完了

再拼命的做工,好了30岁了,开始瓶颈。。。
再拼命的读PARTTIME,好了,学位高了。。。
拼命的抚育孩子,好了,孩子读书了。。。
拼命的灌输孩子要努力读书 。。
自己拼命的做工。。。学位高了,压力也高了。。。


回到家,妻子照顾孩子,不得空理你。。
孩子忙着读书 ,不得空理你。。
月头,样样都是钱。
孩子和你拿钱 。
妻子和你拿钱
房子和你拿钱
保险和你拿钱
车子和你拿钱
过年了,更加多钱


除了以上,
母亲和你拿钱
红包和你拿钱
旅行和你拿钱
NIKE,LEVIS,PRADA ,GUCCI,REEBOK ,PADINI。。。
和你拿钱
海外天也可能和你拿钱

40岁,男人危机。。。
拼命的工作,保住职位。。。
成了大家眼中的势利同事。。。
开始害怕失去工作,开始留意年轻同事。。。


想读书,钱,没有了,想换工,薪金高,岁数大,难讨新工
想尽办法,还是不能爬上经理职位,还被一个年轻人上了位。。
孩子开始读中学了,和你拿更多的钱。
父亲节,拿你给的钱,买了你没有用的东西。。。。
房子! 还是和你要钱
车子旧了,开始不听话了。。。

还是要给钱! 妻子也是一样和你拿钱,旦绝对没有收条给你看。夫妻要信任
好不容易熬过50了,要退休了,无风无浪。。。
虽然压力大,新上司意见多多,不要紧。我顶!

就要拿公积金咯!但是孩子要出国读书-- <>
好了,公积金拿完出来了,一大半给了孩子,剩下的给了妻子
还是回到零。。。退休了,不用做???不能
几十年没有呆在家,忽然和妻子相处。。。


妻子看不顺眼丈夫无所事事,命令丈夫开始学做家事!
扫地,抹地,剪草,洗车,样样都要做。。。
好了,房子供完了。。。车子也没有什么驾了。。。
开始觉得人生很无奈,自己从一个提款机,最后变成了一个佣人。


孩子出国回来了,拍了一些照片。。。开始找工了。。。
毕业=失业 , 工难找! ,最后找到一份只可以养活自己的工作。

还是要住在家里。。。吃,交通。去的薪金的一大半。。
所以只是意思意思的给 RM100给父母做伙食费。。

3年过去了,孩子好不容易累计的工作经验,薪金高了。。。
但是却开始要买辆汽车代步。。。母亲帮助 + 自己储蓄,给了头期。。。
有了汽车,费用也多了。。还是意思意思给 RM200作伙食费
好不容易的工作开始稳定了,但是却认识了一个女朋友。。。

开始了人生计划。。。要买房子了。。。
由于车子+ 女朋友费用太大,还是不能给伙食费太多,
而且女朋友说 3? ?计划,全部钱要储蓄。。。
2 年后,终于买了房子,买了房子,开始要结婚了。。。

我终于有用途了,被叫去提亲。。什么都不可以多说,全部老婆讲。


自己讲些客套话就行了。。。
摆酒,婚礼,旅行。。。用了一大笔+ 母亲储蓄+我剩下的公积金
我还是回归零,。。。继续的剪草,扫地,做家务。。。
结婚了后,孩子很少会来了,忙着自己的家庭。。。
偶尔假日才回来看看父母。。。每个月意思意思的给 RM200 。
孩子自己也困难了。要维持自己的家庭

好了,30 年前的计划希望能够开始,旅行!!

大事不妙,媳妇怀孕了,生了个孩子。。。
母亲代抚养,因 为媳妇孩子都做工
本来平静的退休生活又再次起了涟漪。。。
每天就要照顾孙子,晚上他哭我就跟着醒,
开始学习新的技术,喂奶,包尿片,唱歌,拍手掌。。。

孩子每个月意思意思的给多RM300 ,当着是孙子的伙食费 。。。
照顾了5 年后,孙子大了,孩子抱回去了,一切回归平静。

忽然想起 30 年前的约定,决定和妻子去旅行。。。。

还是去不成了,妻子年级大了,病痛也多了。。。
自己的腰骨也常闹别扭。。。医生说要多休息。。。
惟有呆在家里看电视。。。。


一天早上,妻子看见为什么老头没有起来扫地。。。
想去房里骂我,但我已经回到天国去了。。。

孩子为我做了后事。。。
最后我成了一张照片。


人生就是如此讽刺。。。呵呵



所以我说,朋友啊,
趁年轻还没什么家庭负担的时候
就要把握机会出国旅游
不要每次那句:"以后再说吧"
以后也不懂还有没有机会了

人生看起来似乎很无奈
但我并不觉得如此
心态很重要
一个很富有的人买了一栋大洋房
但他生活得很不开心
因为他一直想要买更大间的洋房
一个小康之家的人买了一间单层排屋
但他一直生活得很开心
觉得自己很幸福
一家大小有个栖身之处
大家都相处得和蔼乐融融的

人生短暂
知足常乐才算不枉此生啊
朋友
珍惜身边的人事物